In denial … no more

People kept on telling me that one needs to grieve. I kept on telling people that I didn’t need to grieve; I needed to celebrate.

There are so very many things that I need to be grateful for, but most of all (right now) is the fact that I had the honour to have known, loved and lived with one of the most remarkable people in the Universe. Over the last month-and-a-bit, I’ve discovered this fact again and again and again. Each time I was looking for a piece of information, a file, a business card or an old email … there they were, exactly where he had put them.

Slowly the wheel of life turns and one gets to the point where things need to be dealt with such as banks, insurance, investments and all that boring stuff. Other things needed to be put away, sorted, given to charity, given to friends, cataloging those antiques and updating the photographic library. I’ve started doing all of that stuff but then I realised it was time to start putting the house in order. The kitchen, in particular, has been (still is!) in need of a really deep clean but I had to start somewhere. And I did – with one cupboard!

The wheelchair and the rolling walker have been sitting out on the back patio for three days and I just couldn’t bring myself to deal with them. This morning I decided it was time to stop being such a wimp. First though, I had to get all the other stuff out of the storeroom in order to put the big items in right at the back. And that’s when it happened.

As I pushed the wheelchair into place against the far wall I suddenly couldn’t breathe. Every breath I took ended in a sob … well, I’m not going to go there any more. And please be assured that I’m not writing this to ask for any sympathy – you have given me that already, in buckets! More to be grateful for.

The reason I’m relating this is simply to acknowledge the fact that I’m human after all. Since Donald passed on, I have not been able to cry and I’ve almost come to see myself as that automaton that just needed its batteries changed every now and again. Well, I’m relieved to have come to the opposite conclusion! There is life in this old heart after all. In fact, so much life that my heart is (virtually) bursting with excitement.

Which brings me to a small announcement : As soon as I’m really cleaned up and sorted, I’ll be starting on my next novel. There is a lovely germ of an idea percolating on the back burner. Let me just give you a small taster here: CERN in Switzerland has lost out – I found the God Particle!

And just before I forget : Paphos – my hometown – has won the 2017 Culture Capital of Europe nomination. Wow! There is work to be done here …

And on that note, I shall bid you a fond farewell – until next time.

12 thoughts on “In denial … no more”

  1. Oh Maria………….it will not be the last time either.You must allow yourself to grieve, whenever and however. We are away now for 9 days in Colorada, going to see Graham Milner, not sure if you remember him? and have some time walking and looking at beautiful places. I will talk some more when we get back. Big hugs, Jxxxxxxx

  2. This so important and must the first of many tears, all I can think of how much he loved and doted on you, your being in his life was invaluable. How thankful I am that I did visit when I did, means so much to me.
    Tell donald he owes me £50 because my team won! He will be quite cross about that.
    Much love and hugs, P xxxx

  3. hi Maria, your writing is wonderfully honest. We’ll be in Holland until 30th and will see you after our return. Thinking of you love Marion

  4. Tears, like a cleansing rain, come when they come, don’t they? Not when we expect, perhaps. I’ve been reflecting with deep gratitude over the things you and Jennifer noted last Sunday. So much wonderful food for thought! And I continue watching your links any chance I get! So wonderful! My computer overheats so I’m getting a chance to pause and take in what I’ve viewed while waiting for it to cool off- It may take some time to enjoy it, but never mind! A pause to reflect is fine!
    You’re blog is inspiring me to begin mine, Maria. Thank you for so much inspiration.

    1. As long as it’s only your computer … Thank you for all the kind words – we’ll soon get together again and sort out the world. One of the reasons Monday was doubly hard was that I lost a dear friend in a scuba accident. I truly feel for his wife.

  5. Thank you for all your lovely, heart-felt sharing. You know, sometimes it’s okay to just let things be, to arise as they will, in natural rhythm. Time for silence, time for movement. Time for peace, time for rage. Time to grieve, time to celebrate. All times, though, it’s okay to just be, within time, follow, and watch – ourselves and all around. For me this is the greatest celebration, that of the moment. But you know that already. Lots of love, dearest Maria. You are a shining star to all around you.

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