The girl who used to be me …

It’s really quite amazing how we grieve for things lost. We live our lives, always thinking about the should-have-dones or the will-be-doings; either regretting or wishing. We seldom live in this moment, which has little to do with what should have been done or what is still to be done.

Donald and I must’ve watched Shirley Valentine at least ten times – yes, really! We loved the totality of the movie as it dug into Shirley’s past and how it made her the woman she became at the age when she decided to break out of prison. The script was exceptionally well written, the acting was superb and then there was that song …

Now that I don’t have my Donald any longer, past, present and future merge into this moment, this day, the here and the now. When I lost my son in a car crash when he was not yet eighteen, it brought me face to face with the fleeting existence that we lead. At a moment’s notice, you could lose everything that you have ever held dear, including your life. It made me realise that life, as we know it, is precious beyond measure. However hard we try, that breath you have just expelled will never be part of you again – it belongs in the past. The next breath – now that’s a different thing altogether; will you take it?

And that brings me to what I really wanted to say today.

Two weeks ago, I had one of the most fantastic massages I have ever had in my entire life. And I’ve had many all over the world. This one was very special in that it happened at such a profound moment in my life. Still, I didn’t realise the complete impact it had on me until the next day when, mulling over things as one does, it struck me that I am actually retrieving that girl I used to be. The girl that Donald fell in love with. The girl who never said NO to life. The girl I was happy to be known as. The girl who found each new experience exciting and invigorating.

Isn’t life a bitch?

We cope with each situation as it comes along until we are numb and hypnotised into accepting the grind of day to day existence. When new challenges are pushed into our paths, we take them and do the best we can – we either survive or we don’t. Usually, when we survive, we get better at dealing with each new challenge that comes along and boy, do they come along sometimes!

After that mulling over of things, I went onto YouTube and played The Song … and I sobbed uncontrollably! The sudden impact of the realisation that The Girl Who Used To Be Me is once again in my reach, my resistance gave way. Suddenly, that massage during which I learned deliciously to Let Go, made crystal clear sense and the relief that I felt was immense. Silly, isn’t it? No, I think not, because I didn’t realise just how big a prison I had built around my psyche, my heart, my soul. This person I once was, had changed over the years in order to cope with whatever was thrown at her. We think that we grow stronger by cutting off our feelings coming from our core but really, we are just side-stepping the inevitable show-down.

Rejuvenation isn’t about getting younger; it’s about breathing new life into an old structure, be that human or otherwise. I’m re-learning how to do just that and it’s truly exciting. There is SO much in the world that I don’t know and that I still want to know. So much that I want to do and still need to learn to do. I’m brimful of energy and can’t wait … no, hold on! There is no need to wait – my life is right here and right now!

I have just completed the forty days of the Winter Feast for the Soul and, believe me, it’s all part of my coming back to awakening from my state of sleep-walking. I am stunned at just how blunt my senses had become. We do what we need to do and so often forget who we really are as we twist and turn and tug at the bindings that keep us from rising to what we really should be … just BE ourSelves.

But, the game is afoot – time to grab the dragon by its tail and leave a trail of stardust behind me as I lift off to that realm of infinite possibilities … that has been there all along; I’ve just forgotten to use beginner’s mind and find the innocence of life … But, I have again rediscovered the magic and I am joyful, grateful and full of goodwill to all.

I miss my Donald very much, daily – but I know that, had he still been around, he would have given me ‘permission’ to grow, as he understood me so completely.

Yeah, corny – I know. Oh, and by the way, I’ve booked another one of those fabulous massages for Friday to prepare me for my long flight south.

Namasté and many blessings!

5 thoughts on “The girl who used to be me …”

  1. that made ME cry – reminded me of a roethke poem a dear man once inscribed in a book he gave me – when i was a girl 🙂 it started thus – I knew a woman, lovely in her bones, When small birds sighed, she would sigh back at them. thank you, j

  2. Maria we chatted about this when you were in SA. … Now that I have read it… I understand you. Maybe God has given us both the opportunity, now that we have lost our special other halves, to return to being who we really are for one last time? Lets take the bulls by the horn and do it. I miss my John daily and wish you were closer so that we could cry on each others shoulders xx

    1. I see your are catching up … 🙂 Marina, my sweet, we should not cry any more – there is so much to celebrate in our lives, especially the men we used to know! They were so very, very special. Chin up, shoulders back and … walk tall. Love you lots!

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